(repost) cortisol levels are high but we ball
"Don't be too hard on yourself."
Okay I need to revisit some stuff to what I had said on my last blog post because it doesn't fully explain my mental health currently as much as I wanted. I'm making this cus outright saying compliments for me feel fake is a bit much. Because even though sometimes I do feel that way, I appreciate every comment given to me whether they're good or bad. I just struggle with actually sinking good compliments in because I'm insecure as shit 😭. I don't want to seem like I'm compliment fishing... The whole blog post was overall unplanned and I wrote it immediately after watching that YT video lolol
As much as this does pain me to put out (I don't usually vent in public), I want to touch on more subjects regarding how I feel right now because letting this out might make me feel a little better like my last blog post. I'm gonna start rambling now...
Another big part of my deteriorating mental health rn is Social Media. The numbers man, it kills me. I've always been weary of my views, likes, comment, and follower count to the point I will literally calculate and formulate the ratio between each them to determine if a post was doing great or being a flop. That was a mouthful of mathematical bullshit so let me make it clearer: big numbers good, small numbers bad. And I really hate small numbers, it's my worst nightmare. Ever since I joined social media, I ALWAYS wanted to be famous with big numbers and stuff like that. One way I know how is to chase trends, but I fail halfway through because chasing trends and being consistent is hard as hell.
However that goal has always been in the back of my head and today it has come to torture me. Every new post I make is a weighing scale on how well I did, if it flops then its over. Its like my life depends on it. I know this is a very toxic mindset but I can't help it, to me the numbers determine how good my my art is and it's sad to think about. I think this is where I believe my perfectionism and self doubt mainly stems from. I need to be appealing to viewers who'll see my content and they have to like it because clearly I don't (in reference to last post).
Then I was introduced to the indie web. The more I surfed through such amazing websites, I found out these indie sites have some things in common: no clear indication for numbers or chasing trends, just minding your own business in your own corner of the internet. It was mind blowing to me, this was my escape from social media, like a safe haven on the internet. So this website is made for exactly that and it works! Coding this site helped me regulate my emotions because (I mentioned this a lot) I used coding to distract me from these thoughts of self doubt.
To be frank these are only some of the problems I'm personally dealing with right now, I just felt like these were enough for me to talk about because everything else feels like it leans towards heavier topics. I'm struggling with other bigger problems like school and financials, I'm just mentioning this here because social media used to be my safe haven from life problems but now its actually becoming one of my problems. If I could talk about them, it'd be hard for me to talk it all out because its a lot to cover. Right now I'm truly a jumble of depressive mess. As I recall, these feelings were boiling at the back of my head and right now it finally decided to burst completely at the same time.
Because of all of this, the stress really got to me big time. I logged off on all my social medias and stopped interacting with people altogether with almost no warning. I'm very sorry for anyone I've ghosted because of this, I feel bad... Initially I wanted to make a comeback around last month (Apr 2026), I made an update on myself and apologized for logging off only on my Instagram story, but people were supportive of me and saying I didn't need to apologize and I really appreciated that from the bottom of my heart.
Overall most of the stuff I mentioned are just me hating on myself. Then I frequently get told "don't be too hard on yourself". But that's hard for me because I've always had high unrealistic expectations for myself, combined with my goal of becoming famous adds salt to the wound.
I posted two vent posts in a row (even though I planned to never post stuff like this ever), I'm gonna end this post on a positive note, I'm gonna change things around and actually try to be better. No more couch rotting or ignoring people, just pushing myself to have a healthy mind. Im also still gonna use this website to escape the numbers from time to time. I remember just before this I was a bundle of optimism and I wish to feel that way again.
So yeah thassit bye thanks for the read 😭