i am uncool
I am really uncool no matter what people say otherwise.
I am always surrounded by really cool people and I am just me.
I feel like I am missing out on too much with life, but at the same time I have enough of it.
I have friends and family who do really cool things.
friends and family who cosplay, play in a band, have cool hobbies, dress how they want, do really amazing things, and every time I witness them doing all that, I get so amazed.
but for me, I'm just, me?
yeah I may look a lil cool around my website and my hobbies and shI but when you meet me IRL I just don't seem like it?! like,, I look like a poser or larper irl. istg I wish I was kidding LMAO
like yeah I draw, animate, write, code, journal, listen to music,, and those are things that normally you don't see in me unless I state it out.
I don't have hobbies that require physical energy like playing in bands, cosplaying, or dressing up. I don't normally dress up or wear nice makeup (even though I really want to) because currently we're financially tight so mostly don't have any money for cool clothes, and ESPECIALLY because I'm super picky because I tend to only wear uncommon clothing.
however, I remember one time back in my first semester for 11th grade, when my classmate actually called me "cool". It was the most exciting encounter I had ever received. He said it was because I expressed myself unlike the way others did. which I found that statement to be true, because I actually felt more like myself while I was around my classmates at the time. That interaction never left my head. To this day, I still appreciated his words. yet appreciation could only go so far.
the more I think carefully and comparing his words and reviewing how I am, I found that isn't the case somehow.
no, I don't think I'm cool just for that. I only ever did just express myself, but had almost nothing to show. Again, I wasn't a cosplayer or a cool looking person. I was so fucking average lmao. uncool. to me, at least.
idk bro maybe to some this doesn't matter at all. but it lowk matters to me because I feel like I'm severely falling behind comparing to others around me.
I feel like I'm not doing enough in life because I focus too much on my own personal gain rather than showing myself to the world. mainly because I grew up introverted and I'm now an extrovert with nothing to show off. I used to love staying at home (I still do lol) but it made me basically stuck to how I still was years prior.
I feel like I'm behind because I wasn't thinking ahead for my future. However, even years before, I had already planned what I wanted to be.
I want to be an artist, animator, and editor. I want to code and journal. I want to play in a band, skateboard, and do graffiti. I want to cosplay and dress up. I want to be an architect, pursuing my passion by combining professionalism and creativity.
and yet I haven't reached the goal I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not specifically aiming to master all of them, but maybe making one of them will make me cooler at least.
I had so many goals in mind but I haven't achieved any of them, which is what I believe is the main cause of my disappointment.
In late 2023, I was doing drum lessons because my parents wanted to support me through my journey (this was in a time when my dad was actually doing his shit lol). I had the resources to pursue this, yet I still failed. I didn't work or practice hard enough to play the part, because the more I tried to practice, I felt that I had failed. which I really regretted doing. my parents spent money for me to try drumming and I failed them and myself.
Not only that, I want to cosplay too and dress up. but for some reason, I hesitate to do it. omg I just suck at sticking to one thing right?
but the only thing that I stick to is art in general. Yet I can't even do that properly.
It feels like everything I touch is something not meant for me to temper. I want to do all kinds of things. This is why I often describe myself as a jack of all trades, master of none, because I have so many aspirations that I for some reason lack the discipline to continue. I hate that about myself lol
I get it that being "cool" isn't a linear thing. I get that being cool doesn't necessarily mean one has to dress up, cosplay, or play in a band. a cool person could be anybody. and I believe the word cool doesn't quite fit me.
I am literally just a poser trying to seem cool because I am developing later in life. I tend to call myself a late bloomer and I hate that. I hate that years ago I didn't take initiative to develop myself so that I have something to show for the future. I hate that I was shy and introverted, because I was also nervous about taking my next steps. I wish I hadn't done that and just plunged into whatever bullshit I could grab my hands to and seize any opportunity I could make. Because that's what I'm doing right now, to fill in the missing hours of improving myself.
I just want to be cool. It isn't enough for people to tell me I'm cool, because I am simply not convinced. I need to see for myself that I am a cool person and I do belong around other cool people. but I still feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I'm a poser trying to look cool at the end of the day.