(repost) impostor syndrome
Impostor syndrome is the persistent internal experience of feeling like a fraud, even when there is clear and consistent evidence of success.
Right now I just finished watching a random YouTube video that popped up on my feed on the story of one of South Park's greatest episodes; Make Love not Warcraft. Later in the video it was mentioned that Trey Parker (one of the show's co-creators) initially desperately didn't want the episode to air because he thought it was bad and it'd ruin the show's legacy. He is a perfectionist, and mentioned it himself that he has Impostor Syndrome and had frequent self doubt. From an interview, he mentioned he was depressed and couldn't sleep when it aired, but little did he know that episode was one of the greatest the show has ever put out. I could say so myself, I'm not familiar with WoW but the episode gave me a good laugh.
Personally, I thought he was bluffing when he said the episode was bad because it was the best of all time seriously speaking. But I couldn't help but see myself in him somehow. Yeah funny, because of this video explaining a South Park episode made me realize I might have Impostor Syndrome as well and could possibly be the source of my mental health currently.
For the longest time I had this consistent pattern of self doubt. This is further noted by past journal logs I've written. I had this pattern of making something and absolutely hating it, but people say otherwise, saying its really great or stuff like that. But for some reason I just don't understand them? I don't understand how people could look at the stuff I made or did and say "Wow, this is the best!" When really it's not. I talked to friends about this feeling before, but no matter how many times they try to explain to me why the stuff I make is great, I get utterly confused. Other than that, the stuff I make look so messy and ugly. I am an over perfectionist, I knew that for a longgg time because I want everything to look as good as possible. It physically and mentally PAINS me to see any of my work look bad by my standards. Yet in the end, no matter how "perfect" it looks to me, I get very disappointed in myself every goddamn time. It's almost like my standards are too high for me to keep up, and I'm only trying to impress myself more than anything, since, in my head, words of encouragement from others towards me are fake or full lies. I know that might be a toxic statement to say, but I cant help myself but think that way because self doubt drowns me.
For the positive things I mention to myself are 90% fake in hopes to actually feel something about myself and my work, like they are ways to cope about my thoughts of self doubt. Sometimes I act cocky and egotistical around my friends or others just to feel good about myself even though at the end of the day all good things I say about myself are lies. To me, everything about me is not good enough and it's hard to convince myself otherwise.
However despite all of this I want to mention that this isn't the case sometimes. Sometimes, though rarely, I like the stuff that I make and I feel proud of myself. I just wish this feeling would keep going. I feel like the only person who could convince me that my work is good is myself. I know this because at some point I was happy with my work and I was feeling great, but the self doubt comes back in again and again.
Though I may not actually have Impostor Syndrome (i'm really just speculating a lot atp), I can say I definitely do have perfectionism and self doubt. It sucks a lot.
I'm writing this because I want people to know about my mental health right now, its not great, but I want to get better. I'm laying on my couch all day just rotting my life away currently. I want to get better and the first step that I think would make me achieve that is by talking about this. Me learning about Impostor Syndrome thanks to South Park.